Embodied Sovereignty: Healing, Ritual, and Reclamation with Rawiyah Tariq

This week, we’re honored to sit down with the brilliant Rawiyah Tariq; a Black, fat, disabled, and neurodivergent artist, writer, and healer whose work reclaims space for marginalized bodies and spirits through ritual, storytelling, and embodiment.

In this conversation, Rawiyah shares the wisdom behind their practice, A Sovereign Embodiment, and speaks candidly about navigating medical trauma, reclaiming pleasure through kink, and redefining beauty and power on their own terms.

Their story is one of survival, sovereignty, and softness, a reminder that liberation begins in the body.

We talk about:
✨ The spiritual and emotional layers of embodiment
✨ How medical trauma and fatphobia intersect
✨ Kink as a space of reclamation and healing
✨ The balance between ritual, magic, and practical self-care
✨ What it means to hold yourself, and others, through pain and pleasure

This episode is a tender, powerful reminder that healing isn’t linear; it’s embodied, sacred, and deeply human.


Connect with Rawiyah:
🌐 mammyisdead.com
📸 Instagram
📘 Facebook
💼 LinkedIn
🩵 Bluesky

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Rawiya: Artist And Healer
• 3:30 From Tech To Burlesque And Fat Community
• 7:45 Embodiment, Sovereignty, And Safety
• 13:20 Touch, Trust, And Trauma-Informed Care
• 20:40 Writing Mammy Is Dead And Smut
• 24:30 Therapists, Somatics, And Liberation Work
• 30:10 Heart Holding And Ritual Creation
• 36:40 COVID Safety, Community, And Access
• 42:30 Disordered Eating, ICU, And Recovery
• 50:20 PCOS, Self-Advocacy, And Bias

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome back to Big Sexy Chat. Today we're putting the spotlight on Rawiwa Tarek, a black, fat, disabled, neurodivergent artist and kink aware professional whose roots run deep in the queer, polyamorous, and fat communities. Their work weaves magic, storytelling, and performance art as tools for liberation and healing, reclaiming space for marginalized bodies and spirits. Based in the Bay Area, they're growing a sovereign embodiment, a practice that brings heart, ritual, and body together in radical wholeness. Let's dive in.

unknown: 0:39

Hey, you made it! Ha!

SPEAKER_02: 0:41

You're just in time for a little something juicy with crystal and myrph.

SPEAKER_01: 0:47

Talking fat. Sex big feels hot takes and kicks. We're breaking all the rules, babe. What you think? It's big.

SPEAKER_02: 0:57

Sexy share. Say it back down, big. Sexy share. Let's go.

unknown: 1:12

Hi, hi, hi.

SPEAKER_03: 1:13

Hey there. Welcome back to Big Sexy Chat. My name is Crystal and I'm here with the fabulous Murph. Hi Murph. Hi. We have a wonderful guest today, a longtime friend of mine. I'm so excited to talk with them. Rabia, welcome, Rabia. Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for having me. It's so fun to see you, and it was so great to see you at fat joy.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32

That was so amazing. I had such a good time there.

SPEAKER_03: 1:36

It had been like at least five years or more since I'd seen you.

SPEAKER_02: 1:39

Mm-hmm. At least. Well, and I just loved your hair. Like, talk about a standout statement. I kind of have a thing for bright colored hair. So I was like, who are they? Oh my God.

SPEAKER_03: 1:50

Look at that hair. You know, we were raising money for the fat for NAFA. And I'm so excited that you bid on being on our podcast through the NAFA uh fundraiser.

SPEAKER_01: 2:00

Thank you for that. Yeah. When I saw it as one of the opportunities to donate, I was like, oh, this is it. This is it. I haven't like talked to you in so long. Um, and I also wanted to contribute to the fundraiser. Thank you. So I saw it like last minute because I was there the I was there the day of. And when I saw it was mentioned, I was like, okay, let me figure it out. So the auction was just about to close. And I was like, oh shit. So I I went in and made my profile really quickly and like just barely squeaked in. So I was I was so jazzed to see that y'all had donated and that this was a possibility, um, an opportunity to connect with y'all.

SPEAKER_03: 2:46

Yeah, and Marv, Rabia and I go back a good 20 years. Wow. Rabia used to work in tech and she worked with a friend of mine, my friend Don. And Don kept telling me, you have to meet this, this woman I work with. You you two have so much in common. And then I think we met online and then we met in person. I for some reason I feel like I met you at one of Tigris' events up in Oakland. Do you think is that a possibility?

SPEAKER_01: 3:12

It's definitely a possibility because I was one of the full figure entertainment models for a little bit.

SPEAKER_03: 3:17

That's right. That's right. She's so vital here in the Bay Area and she makes so many amazing connections. Mm-hmm. How did you meet Tigris?

SPEAKER_01: 3:27

Um, I did I met Tigris through full figure entertainment. There was a I had just really moved to Oakland and I was doing uh burlesque and getting out into the world, and I saw this opportunity to be a full figure entertainment model. So I signed up and I had no idea, I had no idea what I was getting into or what it was about. Um I was just like, I'm fat, and here's all these fat, fabulous people doing things. I went to one of Tigris' events, I had a lot of fun, and I decided to run for it. So I submitted a bunch of pictures, said who I was, um, got my friends to vote for me, and I made it, I made it in. And I was partially surprised by how much support I had from the burlesque community. They're like, yeah, do it, do it. Uh and they they really encouraged me. And so I ended up uh becoming one of the models, and it was just a really great experience, a great connective experience. So that's how I met Tigris by being one of uh her uh fat ambassadors for this uh nightlife event.

SPEAKER_02: 4:47

That's awesome. I I've always um loved when somebody just decides, you know what, I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna see what happens. And when it ends up in this really positive result and you get to see like the support behind you, it's just like feels so liberating, you know? And so hearing that you got to have that experience, like jumping into modeling through burlesque, that's so cool.

SPEAKER_03: 5:12

And it's so amazing that Tigris is in this position that she's in with Nafa because NAFA, I kind of knew about Nafa, but once Tigris got really involved, I was like, okay, I need to get more involved here. And oh, I just first of all, we just you know stinking love that woman, and she's so great, and she's such a great voice for all of us, and made me think of one time when um Denise Jolly was down here in South Bay. You know, Denise, I'm sure, right?

SPEAKER_01: 5:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 5:38

Denise was the first person I ever heard talk about this thing that I had never really I always sort of felt, but I never knew how to put words on it. But she was telling this, she was being interviewed and on one for our TV show, whatever, and she was talking about how fat babes often are not in our bodies because we're sort of always on the um fight or flight. We're rarely just centered in our own bodies because we're all over the place trying to defend ourselves from the world. Is that kind of what you do now?

SPEAKER_01: 6:13

Yes, that is a lot of what I do, and before the pandemic and becoming as disabled as I am now, I included massage and somatic work in that as well. And my basis for the business is that I feel like we would all be we would all have more ease if we were able to be embodied, and also if we were living an awareness that we are sovereign over our own bodies. Because the messaging that we get and what we have to face and fight against is all of this, all of this idea that we are not um, that we're not entitled to our bodies, and that goes like doubly, triply so if you are marginalized in any kind of way. So, my business is about acknowledging that and creating methods and ways for people to be able to come into their bodies and feel as safe as possible in their bodies and remind themselves that they are sovereign in their bodies. So that's that's basically it. Yeah, and I agree with Janish Dolly, like our we're not we're not as embodied as we could be because we are always on edge, waiting for someone to say something, come at us sideways, or people to, yeah, definitely wanting to like fight, be ready, stay ready. Like if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready. And I have lived a lot of my life in that way, and I needed to have a more easeful way of existence. So my work and my calling is to create that uh medicine, and it and it has to pass through me first before I give it out to anyone else. So I've had a lot of existential crises. And uh and yeah, and I turned that into medicine and I dispense that medicine to other people.

SPEAKER_03: 8:18

I remember when you were doing a lot of massage. That's when I think I came to know you. It was about that era of your life.

SPEAKER_01: 8:25

I really loved it. My um, my massage business focused on elder community, uh, fat community, uh, disabled community, as well as I I worked on quite a few people who were transitioning from life as well. So holding space for that too was very powerful. So I worked a lot with people who were not experiencing a lot of touch. And I feel like people trusted me because I was in or I am in a fat body, a fat marginalized body. So people were like, oh, they get it. They know what it's like. So there was this level of uh trust there.

SPEAKER_03: 9:09

I explained this to my partner. Why do people tell me everything? Why do people tell me about their sex life? Why do they people tell me their deepest, deepest, darkest secrets on like my table? And I said, I my guess is that I'm a fat woman. And in their mind, that's I'm not um a threat, possibly, or that I'm maternal, and that they think maybe if I was a thinner bodied person, maybe maybe they wouldn't have that same feeling towards me. I don't know, but that's just a the feeling I get. I don't is that how you kind of feel as well?

SPEAKER_01: 9:45

Oh, I definitely feel that way, especially being a fat black woman. Um, also a flat, fat, black, non-b-binary person, but I definitely am femme. So people read me as uh as woman. So it's it's definitely a thing. So much so that I'm writing a book about the demammification of the fat black body. Um, because I end up either uh doing a lot of activism work or holding a space or creating a space, and definitely people talking to me about every single thing that's going on in their life, especially when I was a massage therapist. Oh, yeah. They they would just like spill.

SPEAKER_03: 10:28

And I I think because I also sell sex stories and I have since like 2003. People think they can talk to me about anything. But um, were you I I thought I remember, did you have a handle before that was Mammy is dead?

SPEAKER_01: 10:41

Yes, my handle uh is Mammy is dead. It's still Mammy is dead in a lot of places, yeah. But yeah, yeah, and that's gonna be the name of the book is Mammy Is Dead. So I'm writing that book, but I'm also writing a lot of smut to balance out my brain.

SPEAKER_02: 10:57

I like that. That's a good, that's a good need, balancing out between the sexy part and the part that you gotta get rid of. Um I just appreciate, you know, um, in my field, somatic experiences really starting to get tied in with uh psychotherapy and the people that have been doing it for a really long time and recognize those things. There's just a level of comfortability that you can provide in that space without having the quote unquote licensure aspect of it that can be really scary to people. And so I just I want to say thank you for for providing that space for people and also recognize like the work that you've been doing is now starting to really impact my career field and other, you know, other folks that are trying to do healing and really incorporate that holistic whole body approach, where I think, you know, they tell us as therapists, like, don't hug your client and like don't pat them on the arm or like you're not supposed to have any, and that can be so healing. And so to have someone who recognizes, you know, there there's a need for so many marginalized people along with that somatic experience, it's just I it's really incredible. So I just want to, you know, say thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 12:14

Oh yeah, it's I actually worked on a lot of therapists and had those therapists send their clients to me. So it I through working with those therapists, I started looking at how my practice could be more trauma informed. And that changed some of how I did my work. And yeah, and when the therapists started sending me their clients, I was just like, you're right.

SPEAKER_02: 12:42

That's like super high regard because it's like when you're helping the healers and the healers can send extra people, it's like, yeah, you're like the ultimate healer. I always think of it like the boss, right? When somebody can like therapise the therapist, it's it's yeah, that's great. So, like you mentioned, you know, when when folks are marginalized, it you can't, you don't feel as comfortable going and looking for services like that because you are always on the defense and you always have to think of like, you know, when I go see a medical practitioner, like what am I gonna experience? And so having those things really laid out, like I love the the caption on your website, you know, where it's just talking about these are the people I serve, like really recognizing this group of people. That's that's so important when you get to see, oh, like I'm one of these people that's listed as one of like the top people. Like I always trust a practitioner far more when I see something like that straight out the gate.

SPEAKER_01: 13:38

Yeah, and the the place we set up, because I was working with two other practitioners, we made sure to have books on our shelves that embrace like body liberation, um issues for that uh affect uh queer and trans people, um, people of color. We had paintings all over the walls with like bigger bodies on them and things like that. So it was very like sometimes like when I got an able-bodied thin person would come in through the door, they would look around, and one of the things they would ask me is like, is it okay for me to be here? And I'm like, Oh yes, sweetie, it is. And inwardly I'm going, like, I did my job right. I did my job right. I did my job right. Yep.

SPEAKER_03: 14:26

So what are you doing these days? How are you? I know you're healing, you're getting better. I know we had a few years there where we were just we were all praying for you all the time, worrying about you, and just it's that's why I was so happy to see you at Fat Joy for a million reasons. But you are just you are Fat Joy. So what's up these days? Are you able to do a lot of counseling and therapy or uh what do you call it, sessions?

SPEAKER_01: 14:50

I guess you probably call it. Yeah, it's it's heart holding sessions.

SPEAKER_03: 14:53

Heart holding.

SPEAKER_01: 14:54

So I've done a few heart holding sessions, and it's surprising because I also get therapists coming for heart holding sessions too, where I just sit and hold space. I ask that they want to exchange ideas or thought partners on stuff, and we talk about that, but it's mostly like holding space for people and helping them create rituals. So I listen to them and they tell me what's going on in their life, and we together formulate some uh rituals that are somatic or witchy in order to help embody them and to bring whatever they're dealing with in their heart out in a way that they can express it into the world and make it um something tangible that they can hold on to and work with. So I'm I'm doing that. I'm also about to start up my workshops again, which are all witchy, all about embodiment. I have one that talks about ecstasy as spell work, so reaching and achieving like this intimate climax with yourself or with others, and how you can use that to empower your work and empower your life. I have several about boundaries and how to navigate in this world right now that is so uh disjointed and disconnected and dealing with so much pain, and how we can protect ourselves from it while still moving with an open heart. So I'm about to start up my workshops again, of which I have a lot. Um, I also do tarot card readings and things like that. So a lot of like witchy work, but I think the most rewarding aspect that I do is helping people create rituals and practices around their life that are accessible and that help them feel embodied in themselves. So that's what I'm doing with my business. Um, I'm also writing a lot. That's great that you have so much energy.

SPEAKER_03: 16:49

You're like you're back. You're it feels like you're back.

SPEAKER_01: 16:52

I am. I am. I almost died like three times. So it's like it was tenuous. It was whoo, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_03: 17:00

We were just like sweating it big time. We were all so worried. Um, the two people that were gonna do sort of witchy things at Fat Joy were Mari, you might know her, the uh entertainer who was gonna do some go-go dancing. She's also witchy. And then another woman was coming up from the Fresno area, and she's gonna have a table with all her witchy goodies, and they both couldn't make it. And it was like, oh, we lost that whole aspect that day. So hopefully you can maybe you can do some witchy stuff um at the next Fat Joy in April. And then I think it was really cool. Nobody bothered us about wearing a mask all the time. I think everybody had a mask on the whole time, unless we were trying to speak. It was like I felt I wanted to be a very safe space for everybody that wanna have a super spreader event.

SPEAKER_01: 17:44

You you did a good job of it. And I felt so comfortable there, and I was able to hug people too because they were wearing masks. And as someone who lives a very COVID-conscious lifestyle, it's been one of the things I missed the most is physical contact and being able to be in spaces with other people because I'm so immunocompromised right now. And you provided a space where I could do that. And I went home and I cried because I was so heavily affected by the space that you created that allowed me to have that touch with other people that I have been missing for so long. So I'm really grateful to you for that. And uh, and yeah, I'll I'll come do some readings and tarot card stuff at the next event. Um, that would be that would be an honor and a joy for me. But more than that, just being able to be in that space again with people who are conscious about protecting other people uh was just it was so lovely. So so much appreciation.

SPEAKER_03: 18:49

Sarah Redmond, because she's also very COVID conscious, she has long COVID. And um, I saw she said, I felt hung over the next day. It's cute. It was so lovely to see her too, because I know she doesn't really, she has to be extra careful as well. And um, so do you have long COVID?

SPEAKER_01: 19:08

No, I do not have long okay.

SPEAKER_03: 19:11

How about a bunch of other stuff?

SPEAKER_01: 19:12

I had a bunch of other stuff happen at the beginning of the pandemic. So I guess a content warning for some people, but eating disorder or disorder eating, uh I'm about to talk about really quickly. Uh is that okay? Absolutely. Okay. So I had had really bad disordered eating where I was restricting my intake and I didn't even realize that I was doing it at all. And it was right before the beginning of the the pandemic. And I had just moved in with Bertha, who we love. I stand. Um, so Bertha had noticed for a while that I wasn't really, I think, like that I would always come over and then I would leave leftovers in her refrigerator. She's like, you don't like to eat leftovers. And my brain is like, I'm fine with leftovers. I ain't bougie like that. Uh, but it but I just turned out I just wasn't eating. So one day I started to feel so sick and I wasn't able to swallow and no food was passing through me. And I went to the doctors and went to the ER at the height of COVID, and they said, Oh, your blood sugar is like over 700. Um, and they gave me insulin and put me on a bag. They weighed me, and I weighed far less than I normally weighed before. Um, and they told me, like, you really have to watch what you're eating. And then I thought back and I'm like, but I'm not eating. And so, but and so I almost killed myself by not eating, like my blood sugar was going higher and higher because I wasn't eating, not because of what I was eating. Uh, because I was even taking, I believe at that point I was even taking medicine because I had I have polycystic ovarian syndrome as well. So for to hear the doctor say you need to be careful what you're eating, when I wasn't eating was was really hard for me. And then uh I did end up talking to another provider who looked at me and said, Yeah, let's run some tests. You say you weren't eating, I believe you. And we found that uh that I had developed osteoporosis in my spine because my body was eating itself because I wasn't eating. And so when I went to doctors, then being like, I have um, they call it atypical anorexia, anorexia noversa. Uh, just because you're in a fat body, they're like, oh, it's atypical. Um, it's such bullshit.

SPEAKER_03: 21:55

Yeah, it's it's such bullshit. It's anorexia. It's full. It's anorexia.

SPEAKER_01: 21:59

Yep. And so I struggled with that and I struggled to eat, and it took me like uh maybe a month before I was able to eat. Each bite was a struggle. Thank goodness for Bertha and Michelle. Uh, they fed me, they talked me through it. Someone sat with me for every meal because my blood sugar went so high, like my vision went away, and I had to deal with that as well. So that was the first situation I healed from that. And then the second situation, I had pulmonary embolisms. So I had blood clots in my lungs, and I was in the ICU for like still during COVID, the height of COVID. It was four months after the other thing. And so I was in the hospital for blood clots in my lungs, and then it's I was on bed rest for a year. I wasn't able to move. And so I lost a lot of strength and lost a lot of muscle mass. And so that really deepened um my physical ability. I'm still recovering from that. And then when I went into then I went into the hospital because I was on Ozimbic, not for weight loss, for um blood sugar. For blood sugar. And then they people started using it for weight loss. So we ran out of the Ozimbic, so they switched me to a medicine called truly, and that had a horrible poisonous effect on my system. So we went to the ER constantly because I was in withdrawal from it. And the one time I was in there, they gave me, injected me with something, and my heart rate went out of control. And there were several doctors and they're trying to figure out what to do. And Bertha's holding my hand, it's like, don't you close your eyes? Don't you close your eyes?

SPEAKER_03: 23:50

Plus Bertha and Michelle. I know you get shitty, tri shitty, shitty treatment when you go to the doctor when you're in a fat body. And then I know they treat black women especially like shit because they don't believe your pain levels, right? They don't believe anything you have to say and they don't believe your diet. And also, when your blood sugar is all over the place, I'm sure your emotions must have been all over the place because that that can really make you very depressed. Your blood sugar is high and low, high and low. It could be hard to keep it anywhere or sort of just like in an even keel.

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

Yeah, it it really was. It it may it also increased my whole desire to not eat because there was a control issue that came with my anorexia, as well as the trauma of having a fat mother who didn't like love or appreciate her body and demonized her body and also demonized mine. So there was a lot of like trauma and control issues, and then you add in trying to balance out blood sugar, and that made me feel as if I my whole life was out of was out of control. So I spent a lot of time with severe anxiety, severe impress depression.

SPEAKER_03: 25:04

Depression, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 25:05

Yeah, and then we found out that I'm bipolar. That also happened. I got diagnosed with bipolar uh during that during those years as well. So it it has been a whirlwind. It has been a complete whirlwind.

SPEAKER_03: 25:21

When did you get diagnosed with PCOS? How long were you aware that you had PCOS?

SPEAKER_01: 25:24

Well, I diagnosed myself. And then a doctor diagnosed me. But I was I was maybe like 19 and I was living in Colorado Springs. I had moved up to Colorado Springs with my um half-sister, and I noticed all these symptoms, like my period had gone away, like I was growing hair in places I didn't normally have hair. Um, and I just didn't feel well. And I kept, and doctors kept telling me, oh, you need to lose weight. But at that point, I was maybe like wearing a size 14 or something like that. And I'm like, I know people who are my size and larger than me who still have a regular period. Like, this is weird. So I started looking up a bunch of stuff, and I was like, oh, look at the symptoms. And it was either cushions or PCOS. So I started looking more into PCOS, and I was like, okay, I have this. So I printed up a hundred-page paper on PCOS about what it was, how it affects the body, and how you test for it and what those results look like when you test for it, out of all the research that I had done. And I brought this to my doctor and I slammed it on his uh on the exam table and I was like, I have PCOS, and this is we need to test for this. And he tested for it, and he's like, You do have PCOS. I'm not really familiar with PCOS. I think some of my other patients have PCOS. May I keep your research? And so then we started treating the PCOS. But one of the main medications they use for PCOS is metformin, which makes you really, really sick. And no one told me until I was like until I was like 38 that you're supposed to take it with food. Like, and I should have really, really looked at the bottle, didn't say you should take it with food all the time. It doesn't say like you should take this food with medication, at least where I was getting it from. But I was getting really sick, and no one talked to me about how sick it makes you. And when I talked, I so I went off of it because it was making me feel horrible. And then later in life I got back on it, and the woman who like prescribed it to me was like, I said it makes me really sick, and it triggers my eating disorders. And she said, basically said, um, oh good, you lose a little bit of weight.

SPEAKER_02: 27:57

Yeah, shitting out your brains is wonderful for your morale and your mental health.

SPEAKER_01: 28:03

Right. Right. Yeah. So yeah, so I diagnosed myself with PCOS, and then the doctor officially diagnosed me. Um, and then I got scared of it. I got scared of all of the research I had done. So then I live my life in a way of where I'm like, let's just ignore it. Everything's fine, everything's great. Uh but yeah, now I'm like, oh, I have to really take care of myself and take care of my body that I have and do the work.

SPEAKER_03: 28:33

Roof, do you have officially diagnosed uh PCOS? Yeah. You do, okay. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 28:39

Very similar. Like um mine, uh, I didn't do all the research, um, which I'm I'm glad you did that and that your doctor listened. That's you know, a rare thing. Um, yeah, when I was a teenager, um I was um having really, really, really heavy periods and just horrible, horrible pain. And so they went in and did um ultrasounds and found I had like a grapefruit-sized ovarian cyst. And um they were like, Well we we might have to do surgery, um, you know, because they don't want it to rupture and those types of things. But um they put me on all types of different birth control pills and trying to get it regulated and the metaphor, and it's just it's been one thing after another, and you're right, like you just kind of have to pay attention to your own triggers and um be mindful of like how you're taking care of your body because it's just it's different for everybody, but those similarities are are you know severe. Not everybody has that sort of response to it, but the majority of people have yeah, have a response where they're they retain weight. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01: 29:48

One of the things I found that in my research that was interesting is that uh PCOS effects is affecting more uh um AFAB people, yeah, and black. Women and there's an evolutionary thing, a tie attached to it, which is very interesting. And it's like our bodies are made, people with PCOS, their bodies are made to withstand um famine. So our bodies hold on to uh fat and energy in order to still be able to reproduce or you know keep the human race going when there's times of less, when there's times of starvation and famine. And the testosterone ensures that like we're strong as well, because it comes with increased testosterone too. So the the things that we are taking in often in this society, like the things, and I'm not just I'm not just talking about food, I'm talking about the stress and the pollution around us, uh, really affects and throws off our systems, like polluted water, polluted air, like stressful environments, all the not being able to sleep right. Like the modern like world, existing in this modern world has caused a lot of damage to PCOS bodies, but evolutionary, it's because of people with PCOS that we've been able to continue on during difficult times. And I found that completely fascinating.

SPEAKER_03: 31:24

It's a it's mind-blowing, isn't it? I I read 10.5% of black women have PCOS, around 7% of Latina women have PCOS, and then about 4% of Caucasian women have PCOS. But nobody knows is that because better diagnosis, medical care, or just not getting good medical care. And nobody who knows, we don't know why the difference is so so large. But I believe that. And yeah, yeah, it does make us stronger. I I try to tell my clients, you know, cortisol can make us very hairy. Trying to limit the stress in your life can really um increase and increase your hair growth. But right now, the whole frickin' world is so stressful. It's like, you how can I not be hairy? It's like every day is another, you know, holy shit. And I was just telling my girlfriends on Friday night, people need to go into therapy, people need to become therapists because we're all being so traumatized right now. There's gonna be a huge market for therapists in the next 10 years because holy shit, we all need we're all gonna need if we survive this, when we survive this, we're gonna need a lot of therapists.

SPEAKER_01: 32:29

Yeah, I I believe I co-sign 100%.

SPEAKER_03: 32:33

Um can work with you via Zoom, can't they?

SPEAKER_01: 32:36

Yes, I do all of my sessions uh via Zoom so people can work with me uh from all across the country if they want to, and from the comfort of their own home as well.

SPEAKER_02: 32:50

Does that include uh tarot readings and and okay, great?

SPEAKER_01: 32:55

All of all of my services. I was a little, I only used to do tarot readings in person because I thought, oh, you can't connect like that energy over distance, but I found out, oh, you can't you definitely can, and it's not that hard. And yeah, so I do the tarot readings as well.

SPEAKER_03: 33:15

Nice. Do you find that people come to you? Is there like a vertical of things that a lot of people come to you for this similar thing, or is it pretty much all kinds of different things going on in their lives, or do you feel like you just you get a lot of fat babes or a lot of queer babes, or a lot of is there one like specialty that you feel like you you seem to treat more or help more?

SPEAKER_01: 33:36

I feel like I help queer people the most. Um I do a lot of the sovereign embodiment work is also really tied into liberation work. And I see a lot more uh queer people being drawn to liberation work uh in a in a holistic way that deals with body, politics, um, abolition, uh, all this, all these other things. So I get a lot of queer folk coming to me often.

SPEAKER_02: 34:10

That's fantastic. I um I'm curious with the work that you've done previously with the massage and those types of things, are there things that you can teach people to do that they can do for themselves to help regulate that anxiety or that um, you know, whatever it is that they're feeling and kind of managing that?

SPEAKER_01: 34:30

Yeah, there's certain like pressure points that I can talk about um in session. There are breathing techniques. Uh, and then there's basically permission. Like I find like a lot of it has been giving people permission to have access to tools they already have. Uh, give them permission to breathe or to stop or to take account in what are what's going on in their life, and to remember to factor in that they are a human being living in horrific times. Uh, and be and I feel like a lot of people are uh caught up in productivity because, you know, like the world's burning, but we still have the clock in at work. So we there's not a lot of time or uh encouragement to remember that you are functioning or trying to function uh while you are carrying the the experiences that you are experiencing right now. So a lot of it is permission to break down for a moment and holding a container for the other person to break down in or giving them resources uh and rituals that they can have so they can feel safe breaking down.

SPEAKER_03: 36:04

Can you say more about the rituals? Because I was just gonna ask you about that, because that's something you can send people home with, right? Is a ritual that helps them to get back in their body.

SPEAKER_01: 36:13

Well, one of the one of the things that are are very simple, and it's not really like a ritual, but it it is something that because each ritual is tailored for the person uh that I talk and I that I speak with. But one of the things I do for people to remind themselves, because often during times like these, you can't forget who you are. Uh, I ask people to go to their friends if they have friends. Some people don't remember that they have friends, and some people really are really cut off and don't have connections like this. But if you have these connections, to have them write you a letter, and it can be something that they email or something that they text, and then I want them to take all these little messages and put them in the envelope and write on it, this is the truth of yourself. So that whenever they need to go back, they can open that envelope when they forget and put that envelope somewhere they can see that they need to remember who they are when they get lost. And you can also do this by writing notes just to yourself as well. Uh, there's also rituals like uh when you bathe yourself um getting out of bed and getting out of the shower and laying on your bed completely naked, uh, all yourself up and then eat something. Like either it could be like a little bit of orange or put some honey on your tongue to remind yourself of sweetness or some chocolate, but just to like lay there naked, letting your skin soak up deliciousness and to eat something delicious, like just to remind yourself of how lovely you are and how much you deserve. Let's see, what else off? There's so many, but my brain is like, what off the top of my face? Those are great, those are wonderful.

SPEAKER_03: 38:06

Thank you. Really beautiful. So you're not you're not doing massage at all anymore, right? You that's over for you.

SPEAKER_01: 38:14

That's over for me right now until I can figure out a way to do it safely. Because when I did massage, I would always drop my table really low and I would do it seated to support my body. Uh, so I would stand up occasionally, but a lot of it was done seated because you know, strong, strong like bull. Uh so I would uh do it seated. So it's not that far of a thing for me to be able to do it seated, but I also need to make sure that I'm doing it as safely as possible. And I haven't figured that part out yet. And I need my body to heal a little bit more, but I don't think I'm done with it. I'm gonna find a way, trust and believe.

SPEAKER_03: 38:54

I do, I trust, I believe. Do you think also then you might go back to exploring more of your uh kinky side when your body's more able to do that? Oh, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01: 39:04

Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 39:07

You were quite involved. You were like really involved with the leather uh world, right?

SPEAKER_01: 39:12

Yes, I was really involved in the leather world. Um, I had a whole leather family. I went to a place. Actually, in in the South Bay, there used to be a place called Edges.

SPEAKER_03: 39:22

I know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 39:23

Which was I was there almost I was there almost every weekend, having my best life. And kink was the first step to getting me embodied. Kink was I know. Oh my god, I love this.

SPEAKER_03: 39:39

We talk about we talk about quite often on our show because I noticed that kinky people are very body um open. Their minds are open to different body types. And even though I know there's a lot of creepy people in the kink, can be a lot of cinky people, some kinky people, gosh, creepy people in the kink world. It's hard to say. So you have to watch out for those fake DOMs or whatever. But I would often tell people at my store, you know, start exploring the kink world because you'll find there's a lot of people are a lot more open to body types and different body types in that world because they if you're into their kink, they're into you.

SPEAKER_01: 40:13

That is very true. I before I started kink, I would be, I would definitely be shy about approaching people or distrustful that someone would find me attractive. And then when I started kink, I was like, oh no, I'm sexy and I know it, and I'm bringing it back, and this is great. And I think the first the first time I went to a uh a dungeon, I uh I went with a friend. We had just done the vagina monologues, and she was like, Okay, you played the moaner, so now you did a good job. So now you need to see what this is like for real. And I went with her, and it was a Halloween event, I believe. It was a Halloween event. But anyway, I was feeling so nervous about everything that she's like, I'm gonna put you in this cage. Um, and it was like a humongous bird cage. It's like I'm gonna put you in this cage and let you watch everything, and I'm gonna go like pour hot wax on this guy. And I'm like, okay, great. That sounds great. She's like, no one's gonna touch you because you're in the cage. And so I got in the cage and I'm watching everybody, and I see all these different bodies, all different ages. Everybody was playing with each other across like gender lines, across like age lines, across like like like racial lines, like everybody was just being weird with each other all over the place. It was delightful. And I go and and then I I noticed someone looking at me while I'm in a cage, and I'm like, and I'm so and they were looking at me in this really desirous way. And I was like, oh shit, what do I do? So I instantly try to run away, but I can't because I'm in a cage. So I try to get out of the cage, but it's designed so you can't get out of it by yourself, and it starts to tip over so slowly, and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna die. And he runs up and he grabs the cage and he stabilizes it and he offers me a handout. And and then we dated for 10 years.

SPEAKER_02: 42:23

Wow, fantastic. Yeah, how many times did you go back to that dungeon together?

SPEAKER_01: 42:29

Oh, all the time. All the time. Um, he bought me a membership to the dungeon. He's like, Would you like to come back? And I was like, Yeah, he's like, Would you like to come back next week? And I'm like, Yeah, I would. And he's like, Okay, it's a date. And then I'm like, Okay, great, it's a date. And I came back and I tried to pay for it, and they're like, Oh, you're a member. And I'm like, What?

SPEAKER_03: 42:51

There's something so powerful about having somebody look at you like you're the freaking most amazing, juicy pork chop they're ever gonna eat, you know, like they just have to have you. It's like, oh, I wish all fat people could have that experience. Every person deserves that experience, right? Everybody, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 43:09

I had a lot of that experience while I was dancing burlesque, and it it took a while for me because I didn't believe how people were looking at me, and I thought, oh, and they were like, Oh my god, you're gorgeous. And I would say, Oh, I'm not gorgeous, I'm just powerful. Like you're seeing my power, and it's translating to you as beauty. And then later over the years, I was like, No, I'm I'm beautiful and I'm powerful, and I had to find that beauty in my own body, and so doing the runway for you, Crystal, was always part of that. Like, I'm beautiful as well as powerful. So that was that was lovely. You're both, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03: 43:54

Do you know about FatCon in Seattle? Do you know Pucks in that group?

SPEAKER_01: 43:58

Um, I know Pucks through Burlesque community.

SPEAKER_03: 44:00

I'm sharing a lot of between all those.

SPEAKER_01: 44:03

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03: 44:05

I know. Amazing.

SPEAKER_01: 44:07

Mm-hmm. So I I know I know them through burlesque community. Um, but I have not been to Fatcon yet.

SPEAKER_03: 44:16

I'm gonna go back again. This year'll be my third year in a row. It's been it's been a lot of fun. I've made some amazing contacts through through Pucks, and I met Pucks through Tigers, of course. So much fun that you'd have a blast there. It's and plus it's Seattle. They have a huge, you know, burlesque uh community there.

SPEAKER_02: 44:32

Yes, they do. So tell me a little bit about your burlesque, like stage name, what was your type? I know when we were interviewing folks at FatCon, like some people liked the comedic portion, some people really liked, you know, um an intense like visual art representation. Like what tell us a little bit about what what type you did.

SPEAKER_01: 44:55

Well, my name was Magnolia Black. Uh Magnolia, because I'm from uh New Orleans, Louisiana, originally. And I uh I used to do I used to dance with Ruben S. Burlesque for years, and then I switched to doing solo performing. And by the time I was done or ending my burlesque career, and then COVID hit, I was gonna take a break. I was gonna take a break, and then COVID was like, uh, you're shutting it down. Uh so I did by the time I was finishing, there were two types of performances that I did. I either did comedy or I did something that would make you cry. And you never knew which one you were gonna get. It just depended on the day. And by the time I was done, I was doing pieces that lasted about anywhere between eight to 15 minutes because I would tell a story, I would sing, and then I would strip. And I did, and that was kind of like uh they're like, oh, that's some some gypsy rose lee shit. And I'm like, yeah, it is, and I was able to do it in a fat body. Um, and by the time I was uh came to an end, I was also headlining at places. I was also working like four to five days a week as a performance, like between massage and doing burlesque, I was paying my bills. So to be able to do that at like 350 pounds and be like, I could go into any place and be like, I'm Magnolia Black. Um, is there space for me here? And people would be like, We've heard of you, we've seen you, we want you to come through, or reaching out. And I'm again 350 pounds performing four to five times a week in the Bay Area, um, and doors being open for me to perform. So I talked about political things. Um, I talked about the time where uh I talked about not like fucking anyone unless the temperature in a room was under uh 80 degrees. Uh and I talked about being fisted by a bunch of queer people at um, oh my god, Miss SF Leather. Like that was a whole piece there too. So I I kind of went all over the place with it.

SPEAKER_03: 47:23

Oh, yeah. Who is the artist of the art behind you? Do you remember the name?

SPEAKER_01: 47:26

The name um Olylia Johnson did the art who's behind me, another fatty, um, living in Southern California. And really beautiful. Uh, she also did the art of the uh bigger bodies that were on the wall of a sovereign embodiment. Oh, nice. And were you working with Deb back in those days? I wasn't working with Deb back in those days. We both just had massage businesses. Okay, is that what it was? Yeah, it's great. And we traded sometimes.

SPEAKER_03: 47:57

Oh, that must be heaven. Well, let's talk about how people can work with you, how they can find you, what's the best way to get in touch with you, all those kinds of things. Because I know it's coming up on an hour, and I don't want to run too, too long, but I want people to be able to find you. So tell us what's the best way to do that?

SPEAKER_01: 48:16

The best way to do that is to find me on Instagram at Mammy is Dead. That's my handle. Um, you can also find me on Blue Sky again at Mammy Is Dead. Uh checking in my website and sending a message either at Mammy Is Dead.com. I'm saying it a lot, Mammy is Dead.com or a sovereignembodiment.org. And also I'm very, very responsive on Facebook. You can find me under Rawiya Tariq.

SPEAKER_03: 48:46

When did you did you when did you switch to this Arabic name?

SPEAKER_01: 48:52

Um, I switched my name about I want to say four years ago. There was a lot of trauma associated with my other name. So I decided to change it. And this name uh means storyteller or uh transcriber of Akashic text. And I do a lot of writing.

SPEAKER_03: 49:11

I had an Akashic reading once, it was freaking amazing. I think Raoya is very beautiful. Does it Tariq mean something like lookout? Or I was trying to look up your name.

SPEAKER_01: 49:22

Um, it means morning star, uh, or he who knocks. It's also a name of a uh a warrior who pushed colonizers out of the land, and it's also masculine. So my first name is feminine, my last name is masculine, and I feel like that's appropriate for being uh neither and both. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_03: 49:45

You're always doing it. I love it.

unknown: 49:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 49:48

You know, the the question that we, you know, always ask at the end of our podcast um always has to do with sex. And um, I'm really excited for your answer because you're so interested in the kink community. So our question is um, what is your favorite sex toy or sexual aid? Okay, aside from my imagination, it has I love, I think you're the first person to ever say that. I love that that was your response.

SPEAKER_01: 50:25

Um, electricity. Electricity.

SPEAKER_03: 50:30

Like the violet wand.

SPEAKER_01: 50:31

I love the violet wand, but I love when someone grounds themselves in and uses a violet wand in conjunction with a knife. Like they don't cut you, but they run the knife down your skin and it gives a wider surface area. And when you do it in the dark, it looks like a storm rolling over your skin because of all the other. So like I I sound really excited right now. So my imagination and electricity, those are those are my two. I'm a big masochist. I'm not submissive like I used to be. I I'm but I am definitely a masochist.

SPEAKER_03: 51:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 51:04

So yeah, electricity with a knife.

SPEAKER_03: 51:07

Peak. The hustler store here has so much of the violet one stuff. It's amazing how many different varieties of items they have now for electricity play, which I I like it too. It feels great on your body.

SPEAKER_02: 51:19

I know I'm trying to get um the hubby into to doing that more because uh I just the glove that they have that you can like put over your oh fantastic. Just wonderful. I'm still into it. I love it. We should have well, obviously, you need to come back and we need to have a discussion about all the different kink fun things to do, including your imagination and make it like an all-sex episode. But yeah, that's exciting. Oh, I really liked your answer to that.

SPEAKER_03: 51:52

Thank you. We've had a lot of unusual answers, but that was definitely one of the best for sure.

SPEAKER_02: 51:58

We get a lot of like the standard, you know, like the tachi magic wand, and you know, which are great. I'm not using that in any way, shape, or form. But um, yeah, that was I love the imagination uh response and the electricity, honestly. But that was like, ooh, I can't wait to read this smut that they're making. Like, well, it's gonna be good.

SPEAKER_01: 52:19

I can tell you stories that'll make your toes curl.

SPEAKER_03: 52:22

Right. Love it. Murph, you've been to some pretty cool classes recently, and you went to another cool event. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 52:29

Um, just been trying to kind of dip into the kink community. Um, started going to a dungeon um that's not too far from us. So uh yeah, just kind of figuring out what I like and trying some new things. And um, yeah, electricity is is definitely one of them. So that definitely piqued my interest when you were talking about how it looked and using the the night. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_03: 52:55

I'm so excited to see you are back and that you're all the amazing things you're gonna be doing. It's so fun to have you like really active in our community out there again. It was I know that was like you you testing the waters too, and I'm so glad that you you were there and you felt comfortable being there. It was and of course Bertha. Bertha is the one who I bought these. Well, I think she gifted them to me actually. But they're donut donut bathing suit trunks, Murph. I love it. I thought they were underwear, but she said no, it's a bathing suit. But yeah, Murph Bertha has well, you got to see her clothes, right? Did you get to try on anything for Bertha, uh Murph?

SPEAKER_02: 53:35

I didn't try anything on, but we had a discussion that I purchased the um boy shorts that she made a long time ago at your store. Oh, I have to do that. And still have them and love them.

SPEAKER_03: 53:45

The glitter ones. I have the purple glitter ones. Yeah, I did my add a positivity uh photo in them. So great. Oh, I have one of those too. I was gonna say, Rob, yeah, you are a uh a model for Substantia, right?

SPEAKER_01: 53:57

Yeah, I'm completely mechan and wearing I'm completely mechan wearing silver heels. Yes, and laid out on a chair.

SPEAKER_03: 54:04

Murph and her husband were in it. They were photographed at my house. Yeah, we did the Bitterline series. It was fun. You go way back with Substantia, don't you, Murph?

SPEAKER_02: 54:13

Yeah, yeah, about 10 years, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 54:16

Love her so much. So thank you so much, Robbie. It's so great to talk, talk with you, and see you. And it was so great to hug you. And I'm so glad you're back. And I can't wait to see all the different things you create. Definitely we'll make sure we share and we can try to attend. When you do your workshops, do you think you'll be doing them via Zoom or will you be doing it in person or both?

SPEAKER_01: 54:34

I'll be doing them in Zoom. If I'm able to find a location, I'd probably do them um an accessible location because that's big for me. You too. I'd probably do a few in person. Um, I have done a few in person in the in maybe the last two years, one called In the Face of Fear, uh, which is a very like it's a very good, very intense. Uh, but right now I'm gonna be doing them over Zoom because it's just easier for me and easier for my body and easier for a disabled community to attest. That's for sure.

SPEAKER_03: 55:03

Anything else, Murphy? Murph, you want to tell everybody where they can learn about us or find us? Of course, we always love when you give us a review.

SPEAKER_02: 55:09

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 55:10

Apple.

SPEAKER_02: 55:11

Like, share, comment, um bigsexy chat.com. We're at big sexy chat on all of the socials and big sexy chatpod at gmail.com if you want to send us an email. But honestly, just tell your friends. That's our that's the best way to get information out there. Um, and yeah, share, like, you know, give give more information out to the community. That's the best, the best thing that you can do for any of us.

SPEAKER_03: 55:42

And Robbie, yeah, if you get your podcast going again, we'll have to do another little swappy swap of some kind. Would be fun to kind of do that. I want to give a shout out to Liz. I got to finally meet Liz of Hips, Crips, and Queers. She came to Fat Joy and she keeps shouting out our podcast. So love you, Liz. Thank you so much. And I think that's it for now. So I will see you later, alligator.

SPEAKER_01: 56:04

After a while, crocodile. Sparkles and sharp teeth, you lovely babes.